“You must love yourself first.”
Have you also heard of ‘self-esteem’? This is something that appears a lot in self-help books. I also tried to love myself. I wanted to be loved, and I struggled because it was difficult to be loved by someone who didn't love me.
In the process, I felt like I couldn't reach. I didn't know why, and I felt pathetic for not being able to love myself. Of course, I couldn't love others, and I couldn't be loved.
How did you develop your self-esteem? If not yet, it would be a good idea to think about it together. There is a ‘contradiction’ in the saying, “You must love yourself first.”
Can someone who has never been loved love themselves? This is similar even if you cannot recall memories of being loved. That's what I'm going to talk about.
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What do you think ‘the concept of being loved’ is?
There may be many definitions, but in this article, we will use ‘acceptance.’ Someone accepts my existence as is. Instead of trying to change, they acknowledge me.
He/she is always there when you need him/her. If you ask for help, they help you, and if you ask them to leave it alone, they leave it alone. If you ask for information, they will tell you, and if you complain, they will listen. If you ask them to teach you, they will teach you. If you want to do it yourself, they will let you do it alone. When we ask to share joy, we laugh together, and when we are sad, we cry together.
In other words, it is a situation where you can get help whenever you want, or you have been promised help. That promise will definitely come true.
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Do you also feel like there is something subtle about it? ‘Is this kind of love?’ If so, it's probably because you're not holding hands, preparing for an event, or preparing a house like in movies or dramas.
Of course, that too is love. However, there is an ‘order’ and if the order changes, problems arise. The saying that you have to love yourself is similar. Because loving yourself is a result, not a beginning.
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Have you read <The Courage to Be Hated>? I read that book to love myself. These days, it is being criticized for distorting Adlerian psychology, but I felt comforted while reading it. Because I discovered that I can love myself even if no one loves me. I saw the possibility of being happy.
After that, I devoted myself to self-improvement. I ran, did yoga regularly, and ate healthily. I read books and wrote articles. I also put into practice a minimalist life. I definitely changed my lifestyle a lot, but I felt empty.
As I continued to make such efforts, I wondered, ‘Is this what it means to love myself?’ I was told to love myself, but I wasn't told what to do.
As I watched celebrities take their own lives, I felt something was wrong. It was especially shocking when SHINee’s ‘Jonghyun’ passed away. Did you like SHINee too? Even for men, he is a cool idol. Jonghyun was the most loved person among them all. At least he wouldn't have lacked money or love from fans.
I don't think someone who loves themselves can end their own life. In other words, the extreme situation of failing to love oneself is ‘choosing death.’
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What do you do to love yourself? I followed the good things celebrities and influencers were doing. However, when I heard Jonghyun's death, I thought that I would not be able to love myself for the rest of my life through my own efforts. In other words, you can't be happy forever.
If you have a lack of affection, it would be a good idea to think about it together. The logic is simple. Lack of affection is the problem. I have no memory of being loved. Someone may have loved you, but they didn't feel it. Therefore, it is also impossible for you to love someone. I also love you.
So I took a different path. It's a struggle to be loved. However, if I said, “Please love me,” people would think I was crazy, so I had to study specific methods. This is why I studied human relationships. I also read books such as <Human Relations> and <The Art of Fear>.
After reading the book, I made sure to put it into practice. I don't know if I'm doing it right, but I do it with the belief that it's a proven method. She told me to hug her, so I hugged her mom, and she said that expressions are important, so I mouthed, “I love you.” (The only people who would hug me were my mom/dad.) It’s literally a formality.
But surprisingly, after I hugged my parents, they started hugging me first. He even said the words “I love you” with his mouth. The feeling is very foreign. My parents aren't really that kind of people. These are people who are very shy about expressing affection.
Do you know what? How would you feel if someone hugged you and told you they loved you? I was strange. It's awkward because I'm not used to it, but I don't hate it. It was even more so because it was something I didn’t do. It's not bad.
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If you decide to do that, it will take some getting used to. Both you and the other person. Repetition is also necessary. Doing something you are unfamiliar with requires effort. This is why it is said, ‘Love requires effort.’
If you grew up receiving plenty of love from a young age, you don't need this article. That's because people like that automatically become like that even without writing like this. These people are called ‘secure’ attachment types. They are not good at anything, but they are also lacking in nothing. At least there is no emotional deficiency.
However, I have many deficiencies. People who lack something either try to fill it or give up trying to fill it. This is why resistant and avoidant types arise. I hope you don't do that. I'm in a bad mood.
The process of being loved is tedious and cumbersome. It's rough and doesn't even taste good.
But if you try it, you'll see that it's good.
Thanks for reading.
